I am in a funk… A stalemate.. Writer’s block…Jesus block… Restless…
Oh how I hate feeling like this. Struggling to feel, smell, sense God presence, but it alludes me.
Since last week I am just depleted. The rhetoric of war, weary from the nay sayers, hurting for the persecuted. Hurting so deep inside that my heart is being squeezed. Desperate for clarity and vision to see the ones that I love saved, just to give me an ounce of piece of mind. Hurting for the cancer ridden, drug addicted, grieving parents, grieving children.
Sadness surrounds me at every turn in every possible way it can possibly take form. “Marty, you can’t save the world”, “Why are you heartsick over another broken family”? “There’s nothing you can do to change it”.
Logically I know all these things, yes, I understand that I cannot save the world, but yet my heart aches, I feel helpless. I believe in the power of prayer, I believe our Lord can deliver, but is it HIS WILL to deliver every soul that I pray for? I am sure not. I’m sure this is where Satan (I hate that spellcheck makes me capitalize his name he doesn’t deserve it) plays on my emotions, and on my mind. He whispers in my ear, “What makes you think your prayers go anywhere”, Do you know how many people are suffering in the world? Don’t waste your breath”, “Marty, maybe your families next”. “Is this all really worth it Marty? This God you can’t see? Is he worth losing family and friends”?
Satan is constantly playing on my mind, and although I am down, I am NOT OUT! I will be darned if I allow him to do this to me. To worry, to second guess, to feel useless, and restless.
I am truly restless for peace, for unconditional love, that is only found somewhere other than this world. I am restless for abounding grace, no pain, no fear, safety, certainty.
Lord, I beg you to let me feel your presence again, even a week without it, can make me go mad. Lord, I pray that you fill my heart back up with joy, peace and thanksgiving. Lord, I ask you to send your warring angels to come and surround me so that the enemy will flee.
My friend posted this yesterday on her facebook page, and it brought me some peace.
“…the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him.”
~ Mere Christianity