I am Restless

I am in a funk… A stalemate.. Writer’s block…Jesus block… Restless…

Oh how I hate feeling like this. Struggling to feel, smell, sense God presence, but it alludes me.

Since last week I am just depleted. The rhetoric of war, weary from the nay sayers, hurting for the persecuted. Hurting so deep inside that my heart is being squeezed. Desperate for clarity and vision to see the ones that I love saved, just to give me an ounce of piece of mind. Hurting for the cancer ridden, drug addicted, grieving parents, grieving children.

Sadness surrounds me at every turn in every possible way it can possibly take form. “Marty, you can’t save the world”, “Why are you heartsick over another broken family”? “There’s nothing you can do to change it”.

Logically I know all these things, yes, I understand that I cannot save the world, but yet my heart aches, I feel helpless. I believe in the power of prayer, I believe our Lord can deliver, but is it HIS WILL to deliver every soul that I pray for? I am sure not. I’m sure this is where Satan (I hate that spellcheck makes me capitalize his name he doesn’t deserve it) plays on my emotions, and on my mind. He whispers in my ear, “What makes you think your prayers go anywhere”, Do you know how many people are suffering in the world? Don’t waste your breath”, “Marty, maybe your families next”. “Is this all really worth it Marty? This God you can’t see? Is he worth losing family and friends”?

Satan is constantly playing on my mind, and although I am down, I am NOT OUT! I will be darned if I allow him to do this to me. To worry, to second guess, to feel useless, and restless.

I am truly restless for peace, for unconditional love, that is only found somewhere other than this world. I am restless for abounding grace, no pain, no fear, safety, certainty.

Lord, I beg you to let me feel your presence again, even a week without it, can make me go mad. Lord, I pray that you fill my heart back up with joy, peace and thanksgiving. Lord, I ask you to send your warring angels to come and surround me so that the enemy will flee.

My friend posted this yesterday on her facebook page, and it brought me some peace.

“…the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him.”

~ Mere Christianity

11 thoughts on “I am Restless

  1. I’m sorry you’re going through this, my dear. It’s something most will struggle with. Perhaps knowing that it happens to a lot of us will help you not feel so alone. For me, when I feel that disconnect, or I feel overwhelmed by all that’s wrong with the world, I pray! I read THE WORD. I love on others. I stop watching the news. I don’t write about or think about anything that’s not healthy, or simply just about love. That has been helpful for me. You have a big heart, hun. Sometimes when your heart is so big for others it becomes a heavy burden for yourself. Just know that Jesus is there for you. Pray 🙂 I’ll be praying for you, too.

  2. Marty, love your blogs! I praise Good that you are sensitive to the Spirit of the Lord. You are a vessel, used by God; probably more than you know.
    And no matter what we are ‘feeling’, God is always near!

    • Beth, I love you to pieces. I feel guilty sometimes for being down, and I don’t tell anyone. But, I believe this is a normal part of the walk and maybe some one else won’t be so hard on themselves. It’s definitely an uphill battle, but I am willing 😉

  3. We might bend but we wont break! So many people are feeling this same struggle. Is it a sign? Is it protective? Is it our own lack of faith? I don’t have the answers but we MUST keep on keepin’ on! The greater glory lies ahead of us!

    • I completely agree with everything you say here… I am asking myself these same questions. I won’t give up, we will just keep on keeping on. Thank you for your friendship and kind words! They mean a lot to me, it helps me to know that others in the body of Christ are experiencing the same things! God Bless!

  4. I whole heartedly believe your prayers are heard and I also believe it IS God’s will to save and deliver every person you pray for (and don’t). He didn’t create hell for us…we choose it but His will is for us to be with Him…He loves each and every soul He breathed life into…Keep praying, Keep pressing on….”although sorrow may last for the night, JOY comes in the morning! …I’m pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned. struck down but NOT destroyed. I’m blessed BEYOND the curse for His promise WILL endure and His Joy is gonna be my strength.” ❤

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